I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
