my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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