don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
