One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We were destined to go to rehab together
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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