so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
