i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't turn off my feet"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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