hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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