Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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