Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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