I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
