My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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