Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
