"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
