Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
