i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize