Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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