I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
