either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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