Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize