I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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