I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
