ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
