I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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