Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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