I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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