We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
