Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
