I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YAS. BRING CRAB.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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