The maid of honor just puked.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
