You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
