it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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