I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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