Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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