The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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