my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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