I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
