Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
