I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
