At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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