using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
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