Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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