Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
