he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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