Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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