For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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