I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
