Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
