If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
