I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
