youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
