somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
they need to just BURY HIM!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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