Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
