it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
my poor anus
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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