You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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