I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize