The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
