apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
