I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
