Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
