Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
