highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
