I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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